What's with all these sick little lists?

GOTTA MAKE A LIST

I realize that this is way, way down in the order of things to worry about, but it seems like every time one of those deranged killers who attack schools, movie theaters, etc is finally neutralized, what do the cops find after searching their homes? They find that the idiot kept some sort of list. Take the latest jackass, the UCLA shooter. He shoots his wife in Minnesota and then gets in his car for the 2,000 mile drive to UCLA where he shoots a former professor. He then shoots himself.

That's all bizarre, sick and totally crazy, but adding to the crazy was the list he kept. It was a kill list. The kind of list you or I would make before a visit to Costco, or Target so we wouldn't forget to pick up that quart of milk or pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Except it was a list of people he wanted to be sure and remember to kill.

I can imagine this sick little deviate sitting down one evening thinking to himself, "Okay, there are some people I need to kill. Better make a list. Don't want to forget anyone." So he sits down at the kitchen table, furrows his brow, licks the tip of his pencil and thinks. "Okay, who do I hate the most?" And with a lot of effort he comes up with three people. Three people. He needs a list for that? He can't remember the names of three people he hates enough to go and shoot -- one of whom he has to travel over 2,000 miles to take out.

Certainly, the 2,000 mile auto trip was stressful. He had to plan a route, decide where to spend the two or three nights it would take. He had to make sure his gun and ammo -- lots of ammo -- was hidden from view in case he got stopped by the cops or something. And then do you move the guns and ammo into the motel unit for the night, or leave it in the car where they might get stolen? You just can't trust people when you are on the road. Lots of slime buckets out there. They'd steal a guy's gun and ammo and not even think twice about it.

So with all that, we can see that a person might just forget to take out one of his targets in the heat of his killing spree. So, make a list. But do you cross each person out after you shoot them? Doing that probably gives the killer a feeling of accomplishment. I know whenever I cross an item off my list I feel as though I've accomplished something. Yeah. One less person to shoot. Making great progress here.

But here's the part that just slays me. Oh, excuse me. Bad choice of words. It's the part that I just don't understand. They never have the list with them. It's always -- or at least almost always -- found in the killer's home or little rat's nest. The list doesn't do any good if it's at home, dude. That's why this wormy bastard forgot one of the people on his list -- another professor. Well, maybe he didn't forget about her, maybe he just didn't get the opportunity. I mean, you go blasting away inside a campus and a lot of serious, angry people put you on their list, and they don't forget to come for you either.

So if you find yourself making a list of people you think you need to kill, chill out dude! Tear that list up and make one of things that make you happy -- besides killing people that is. Start with your favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. You'll be a lot happier and everyone in the world won't hate your guts.